A friend is not a friend indeed when they leave you alone in your time of need.
As I started describing the person of my dreams, I realized I was just describing you… And it hurt a little, knowing you were unattainable and out of my reach. Yet there you were right in front of me.
It feels like shit. When you feel like you’re only there to be used. Tossed aside. And I’m pretty sure we went over the fact that we hate being used. She was right. The reason why you use people without hesitation. Without even realizing it yourself is because you’re insecure. You don’t want to be “used.” But you know. You make me feel shitty. You only talk to me when you want things from me. You only hang out with me when I ask. It sucks being the traffic cop of a one way street. I’m just waiting for someone to come blasting through the other side, but I know it won’t happen. And I know you’re there… I know you would rather hang out with others, and I’m just chilling there.
GUYS. GUYS. GUESS WHAT. A WEEK FROM NOW… I’LL BE IN PARIS WITH MY FRIENDS. I AM SO STOKED. BE JEALOUS.
Let’s be honest. You were only my friend because you kind of were forced to. In any other scenario, you would avoid it. And it goes to show we haven’t talked in a week even though I was right there.
I’m sure you all know what it’s like to love someone that you hate so much.
You ruin me.
I don’t think I’ve actually been able to have time to blog about Spain, but I really should… It’s been a wild roller coaster that I think everyone should experience at least once in their lives. The experience of being somewhere completely new. A place completely different than where they’re from.
I needed it even more so than others. People say that going away to college for the new experiences is important. I stayed in my hometown for college. I don’t regret it one bit. Everything was seen through a different perspective. But if I hadn’t chosen to go to Spain, I wouldn’t know how different another place could be. I shot for the moon and chose to go abroad away from my family.
It’s been about a month and a half. And I’m inching so much closer to leaving. It’s a little bit bittersweet to realize this. And that I’m not exploring Madrid as much as I did the first couple of weeks. Work is important, even if I’m not getting it done at home. But I should probably get out there more.
Trying to speak the native language is important. I really tried the first two weeks, but then I’ve been falling off. I should keep with my Spanish studies and make work of it, but I’m not.
The first day in Madrid… Actually, still now, I don’t feel that I’m in a different country so much as people say. It’s a bit weird. I feel like I’m in the same situation like I am at home… except that people speak Spanish. I don’t actually don’t know why I’m not as rocked to the bone as people say they are.
Las Ventas - Madrid, Spain - Last Bull Fight of the Season
You always hope that you mean so much than you actually are. That’s how I feel. That first week was a blessing. It was great. And now, now everything is falling into shambles. My grades. My health. My mind. I’m a wreck. I thought I was all best buddies with you. Best friends. You even labeled it. Well shit on me right? I have to make all the plans. The plans that don’t even go through. And as I watch… I can see that you make plans with everyone else. You’re just “doing your own thing.” That’s such a lie. What’s wrong with me? I hate overthinking things. But I have to if I feel like you talk about me behind my back. If I feel like I’m forcing you to hang out with me, and you just want to be somewhere else.
I just feel shitty. And I think as long as I think I’m your friend, I’ll keep feeling shitty.